So today January 27th, Cliff and I celebrate our milestone 15th wedding anniversary.
15 years!!! I mean, that sounds like a LOT and yet it feels like it just happened.
I was only 21 when we got hitched. And before you think I/we were some spring chickens, we were young, but only in terms of age. (The few years that preceded our wedding are a whole other story!).
Either way, when I met Cliff, everything changed for me.
Love does that to you. It sounds incredibly cheesy to say, but he really rocked my world. He still does 
So, as a reminder to myself more than anybody else, this is a compilation of 15 things I’ve learned from our beautiful marriage (so far!):
1.No. Games. Please.
I’m talking about dealing with problems by “acting” strange, or doing something to provoke the other. In other words, playing this game of getting on your partner’s nerves without talking about the issue. Such a waste of time, energy and LOVE! (yup! I’m convinced this is one of the small habits that weakens the relationship over time).
There is NOTHING better, easier, quick, gentle, and most importantly strengthening to a relationship than being straightforward, direct, but kind. Honest with kindness. Honest with empathy. When something happens (I feel hurt, bothered, confused, disappointed by Cliff’s behavior – or viceversa), I talk to him directly about it. I don’t only tell him what bothered me, but more important WHY it made me feel the way it did (it gets vulnerable!). I do so always assuming that he didn’t do it on purpose. So, no screaming, or yelling, or acting as if he needed to be punished. Because he doesn’t.
2.Unconditional communication and listening
Sounds redundant. But learning to become vulnerable is the only kind of honesty that works. Learning to articulate the what and the why of the issue is a critical (and a beautiful) art form (one that pays more dividends in marriage than people realize). It also means learning to LISTEN. To be patient. To ask questions and listen again. Listen with no assumptions. Listen with your heart. Listen without conditions.
3.Emotions are your friends.
Feelings are your friends. Men are generally a bit more uncomfortable with expressing their emotions. But owning your feelings is owning yourself. There is nothing more confident than that.
4.Never cross the line.
Having a clear line of respect in the relationship, is huge. No matter what legitimate disagreements we may have in the future, they will be discussed within the limits of respect. At this point it’s not because we have to, but because it hurts to hurt the other. So, there is NEVER any cursing at each other, no throwing out horrible insults that we can never take back. What most people don’t realize is that unlike physical wounds, words never fully heal. They get stored subconsciously in our “jar of resentment” that can explode when we least expect it. Each new insult opens the gates to a whole new level of madness and mean-ness for the next time around. Boundaries can prevent a lot of hurt over the years.
5.Soulmates don’t need to be twins.
Many people think that finding the “one” is like finding your twin. And even though it is fun when your partner shares some of our hobbies or passions, it is equally (if not A LOT more fun!) when you have different passions. Expansion is the name of the game. Marriage expands you. It expands your tolerance, your patience, your taste, your preferences, your ideas, your assumptions, your beliefs. It makes you interested, curious. It makes you grow.
Never thought that I would actually enjoy watching live heavy-metal concerts! Nor did Cliff could ever imagine that he would not only like dancing, but LOVE it! 😉
6.Life is now (not tomorrow or years from now).
The stresses and responsibilities of life can so easily take over our minds, hearts and life. It’s critical not let the “what ifs” (future) make you blind to the “what is” (present). No matter how much or how little you have, creating time for love, fun, joy is a cornerstone of a happy marriage. It doesn’t take much. Also. It’s not about “how much” time either (it can be 5-minutes!). It’s just creating time, ANY time for yourself. That’s it!
7. In sickness and in health.
I don’t believe that going through the experience of illness or death are necessary for a relationship to grow, but it is very true that if it does happen in your life, the harder the difficulty, the stronger becomes the opportunity to grow your friendship, your love, your marriage.
If it happens, know that you have the opportunity to come out of it better than ever.
8.Compromises becoming opportunities.
Compromises are many times described as big sacrifices in many relationships. The truth is, (and facts will back me up here), a compromise “feels like one” only when we do something against our true will. But when you have a practiced sense of love and kindness with your partner, his/her happiness matters too much. You care too much about his/her own fulfillment in life, about his/her peace of mind, interests, dreams, that you want to help making them happen. And viceversa. And somehow, you begin seeing “opportunities” for yourself where before there were only sacrifices. Suddenly big changes, big adjustments become easy decisions. A few examples I can share from our own small experience are the time that my husband closed his business for a year, so that he could move with me to Bolivia, because I needed and wanted to be with my parents after my brother’s death. Or the time I told him that I really wanted to move to Philadelphia, and we did. Or the time he wanted to start a new business, which meant we had to move from our beautiful dream home to a much smaller one, or! (as it happened recently), when my hubby asked to move to a small city we had never heard about before, with no friends, no connections, to explore our passions in a new way. You get the gist.
9.Life is as good as you believe it is.
Intentionally appreciating your marriage with all its perfect imperfections is really up to us. The more I do, the more I find things to appreciate. The more I find things, the better it gets.
10.Change is awesome.
People normally fear change that is unexpected or out of our control. As unexpected as change might be, it always comes with the seeds of renewal, new beginnings, growth and better days ahead. Change is a GOOD thing. Getting comfortable is where I find more danger. Comfort (I humbly believe), tends to be over-appreciated. Permanency builds attachment to things, situations, circumstances. In other words, it creates attachments to all those things we cannot control, making our sense of happiness quite vulnerable. Permanency tends to atrophy our passions, our interest, our growth, our Soul. Permanency creates limitations to our sense of identity, and grows our fears and resentment towards those things outside of it. We normally take it up a notch. We not only embrace change. We seek it. We create it. Every 2 or 3 years something BIG changes in our lives. I have no proof, but we know feel this is our secret sauce of awesomeness in our marriage 😉
11.Becoming who you want to be with.
This is one of the most profound lessons I’ve learned through our marriage. The only way to change something unwanted in the marriage, is by BECOMING the very thing I want to see changed. But here is they key: Without EXPECTATIONS! In other words, becoming UNCONDITIONALLY. Want your spouse to be a better listener? Listen more, unconditionally. This is what happens. You begin enjoying your very own self in the marriage, you begin enjoying your own company, yourself in such a way, that his/her behavior aren’t as critical anymore to feel good and happy in it. But then, guess what? He/she begins to reflect that change as well. It’s pretty awesome.
In our marriage I have to say, this is something that Cliff had mastered before we met. He’s just that way. He never asked me to be or do something different. He just WAS that. And years later I found myself being more like that as well.
12.You own your own life-story together.
This is a big one (in our opinion). How to say this. Marriage has such a predictable storyline: You meet, you fall in love, you get married, you get awesome secure jobs, you buy the house, you make kids, you work hard, you vacation every once in a while, buy nice things, buy more nice things, you retire, you die.
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this story line. In fact, maybe it is true that for most people this is just the awesomest story line they could live! All I’m saying is that it is only one story line of any that you can create. You are not subject to it. You don’t HAVE TO live that story line only. You won’t be a failure if you don’t. That’s all.
It’s possible that very few couples ask themselves what they REALLY want in life. What they would REALLY LOVE to experience together. So, most don’t know, and just follow the story line that everyone seems to follow.
Maybe it is the perfect one for you. Maybe not. I think it helps knowing that you have a choice though. You might be missing out on something even MORE amazing.
If you know us personally, you know we have (comparatively speaking) a very unconventional life. For starters, our whole definition of “home” has changed. Rather than having our ONE dream home, we see it now as a temporary transitional thing. We’ve bought and sold our homes more times than I dare to admit. Our home always perfectly represents who we are at the moment. Our core values obviously don’t change, but everything else does! It continues to expand.
The same is true about our businesses, our schedule, our priorities. It’s quite fun
13.Your happiness is never his/her job.
Another biggie one! But! One that I haven’t quite mastered yet. But I’m getting there. It’s not his/her job to make you happy. It really isn’t.
14.It’s always just the beginning! about the expansion.
So. We’ve been married for 15 years. It sounds like a LOT, or very little (depending of your perspective). I have to admit that I didn’t expect to feel the way we feel. New, fresh, fun, exciting. It feels like it is only the beginning. And I genuinely believe that this is how it’s going to feel when we celebrate our 30th anniversary.
15.There is no end to love and romance.
Yup. This is another huge surprise for me. I thought I already loved Cliff as much as I could. But guess what. It keeps growing! I keep falling in love with him in new unexpected ways. There is no limit to this thing. Can’t wait what lies ahead!
I love you Cliff. Forever and ever.
Yours always,
