Life & Love

America has been wonderful to me.

As an immigrant, I have nothing but love and appreciation for my adopted home country. The love of my life was born here, and my new extended family and friends are made of all the good stuff that America is known for.

With so much to be thankful for, it’s hard to talk about a subject that is so near and dear to this country: Democracy.

Democracy and capitalism are at the core of America’s identity. Not just as a nation but as an ideal. Many wars have been fought (and continue to be fought) to make this ideal prevail in the world.

So yes, discussing, or worse even, questioning Democracy and Capitalism in any way is a sensitive subject to touch on.

But with so many systemic issues (poverty, healthcare, inequality, racism, immigration, etc, etc), one has to wonder how is that democratic capitalism as-is hasn’t brought the equilibrium it promises in America?

Maybe because nothing is ever done. Meaning, nothing (no idea, no system, no model) is ever complete and as good as it can be. Un much less “perfect”. Everything, absolutely everything is always in the process of becoming. Even democratic capitalism.

Why?

Because nothing is static. Something that works perfectly one moment under very specific circumstances, won’t work the same way when those circumstances change. And all we know is that circumstances change. All. The. Time. It’s life!

So, if circumstances change, shouldn’t our political models evolve too?

Let’s forget about the capitalism part: Shouldn’t democracy in itself be upgraded in its definition and principles to reflect those changes?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, because my birth-country (Bolivia, South America) happens to be in the list of nations around the world, whose governments have become authoritarian/totalitarian regimes through the assistance of democracy.

How can this be? How can democracy lead to the election of a totalitarian and abusive regime? How is it possible that “the people” would ever want to elect a leader and a group of people who have a track record of crime, corruption and a history of deception?

Looking at the footprints of the regimes that came into being exactly this way (Venezuela’s most recent case with Hugo Chavez comes to mind), it’s easy to see the common denominators in the societies where this happened:

• Enormous social and economical inequality.
• High/growing poverty rates.
• Declining education.
• Racism.
• Poor healthcare.

Sounds familiar?

In other words, a population whose basic needs are at risk, with limited or poor education will simply not be at its best when making a choice about the kind of leadership they want to see in place. Because, as science and experience has taught us all, anytime we make a decision from a place of fear, frustration or anger, it’s probably not going to be a good one. Just ask the most successful CEO’s of the world. They understand this principle very well.

A fearful and angry population won’t decide based on facts, but based on anything and anyone who can make them feel better. Regardless of it being a total lie.

A desperate population is an easy target for manipulation under the label of democracy.

Therefore, democracy as-is might not fulfill the purpose for which it was conceived under these societal unbalances. Can we begin acknowledging that without being called a communist/socialist or a traitor?

I don’t know what the solution is, but I do know that solutions begin to emerge when we make it OK to ponder the problem. When we make it ok to talk about it, to acknowledge it openly, to discuss it, without fearing consequences.

Yours always,

 

A few days ago a good friend of mine casually said something about me, that left me sort of speechless.

You’re always happy! But who wouldn’t?! Everything is always perfect in your life”.

Her matter-of-fact statement made me feel surprised and misunderstood. Because there was an assumption that I’m happy because “my life is better” compared to other people.
And I simply don’t think this is true. At least not in the way she meant it. And what is a perfect life anyway?!

So what is the truth?

Yes. I consider myself a happy person. And yes, it’s also true that I’m happy most of the time (not all the time), but definitely most of it.

What is not true, is that my life (or anybody’s life for that matter) is immune to so called “bad stuff” (negative things) happening every day. Not. At. All.

I will say that it is true that my happiness is assisted (at the moment) by personal circumstances that feel balanced, healthy and well. I say “at the moment” because I know very well that everything can change any minute. So I don’t take my circumstances for granted, ever. I’ve experienced having my life flipped 180 degrees from one day to the other, more than once.

Which is why my current circumstances do NOT get most of the credit for my joy. Because no matter how “good” something might be in general for a while, life happens to me just like to anybody else. What do I mean?
Despite having some of the “big” things currently in a good place (such as my health, relationships, financials), science has shown that what predominantly affects mostly the emotional state of the average human being is the every-day happenings of life. In my case, there are still days when I loose clients, or I learn that a loved one is going through difficult times. There are days when Donald Drumpf tries to impose horrific immigration policies, there are days when I wake up not feeling well. There are days when I get e-mails confirming that a deal fell through, or days when I feel misunderstood or said something that I regret.
But there have also been days when bigger things happened. Like when I woke up to the news that my brother had a few months to live, or when I got a call early one morning with my sister crying after my mom had a heart attack and was given a few months to live. In other words, there are days. It’s called life.
What I’m trying to say is that I don’t feel that I’m particularly spared in any way from “life being life”.

So, what is the baseline for my happiness? I think it’s two things.

First: I intend to be happy. I do believe that waking up predisposed to feeling happy, or having a joyful stance in general, can become (over time) sort-of an automatic demeanor. It can become a default attitude in life, not because I was born happier than most people, but because we (humans) are creatures of habit. Do something long enough, and yes, it becomes automatic. This is true for any behavior (be it an action or an attitude). In my case, being happy became a conscious intention many years ago. I chose that stance. I practiced it, through appreciation, through presence, through meditation. And yes, I’ve exercised this demeanor long enough, that it’s not difficult for me to feel happy.

Second: I do think that at the core of my easy predisposition towards joy is,

 A knowing that, no matter how bad something may seem or feel, it is temporary. Not only temporary, but everything will be just fine and potentially BETTER when this passes”.

This knowing is HUGE.

How so?
There is an enormous difference between:

—> Feeling pain, scared, ashamed, angry but knowing that it will pass,

versus:

—> Feeling the same and wondering if it will get even worse.

Huge difference indeed. Not just during the time that the negative emotions live in our body, but I believe that this knowing accelerates the re-balancing of my emotions. This knowing makes it fairly easy and quick for me to feel well again, even if the circumstances haven’t changed a bit, yet.

• Yes, I get sad, upset, angry, insecure, worried often, like everybody else. It just doesn’t last long.

I wouldn’t say that I’ve had this knowing my whole life. In fact, I credit the most difficult moments of my life as the ones that taught me this, and everything else that has made me more secure in my emotions and state of being.  Because when you go through the experience of a terminal illness and death of a loved one, and somehow you come out the other side not just ok, but stronger and better, then you don’t hope…you KNOW that nothing can really brake you unless you choose that fate. Knowing this is life-changing. “Knowing” is the keyword. Knowing is not hoping. It’s more than believing, knowing is BEING it.

So yeah. I think this is what’s at the core of my joy. And if having this knowing is what my friend called “a perfect life”, then yes, my life is perfect. But in that case, anybody can have a perfect life regardless of circumstance. Right?
Yours always,

So today January 27th, Cliff and I celebrate our milestone 15th wedding anniversary.

15 years!!! I mean, that sounds like a LOT and yet it feels like it just happened.

I was only 21 when we got hitched. And before you think I/we were some spring chickens, we were young, but only in terms of age. (The few years that preceded our wedding are a whole other story!).

 

Either way, when I met Cliff, everything changed for me.

Love does that to you. It sounds incredibly cheesy to say, but he really rocked my world. He still does

So, as a reminder to myself more than anybody else, this is a compilation of 15 things I’ve learned from our beautiful marriage (so far!):

1.No. Games. Please. 

I’m talking about dealing with problems by “acting” strange, or doing something to provoke the other. In other words, playing this game of getting on your partner’s nerves without talking about the issue.  Such a waste of time, energy and LOVE! (yup! I’m convinced this is one of the small habits that weakens the relationship over time).

There is NOTHING better, easier, quick, gentle, and most importantly strengthening to a relationship than being straightforward, direct, but kind. Honest with kindness. Honest with empathy. When something happens (I feel hurt, bothered, confused, disappointed by Cliff’s behavior – or viceversa), I talk to him directly about it. I don’t only tell him what bothered me, but more important WHY it made me feel the way it did (it gets vulnerable!). I do so always assuming that he didn’t do it on purpose. So, no screaming, or yelling, or acting as if he needed to be punished. Because he doesn’t.

 

2.Unconditional communication and listening 

Sounds redundant. But learning to become vulnerable is the only kind of honesty that works. Learning to articulate the what and the why of the issue is a critical (and a beautiful) art form (one that pays more dividends in marriage than people realize). It also means learning to LISTEN. To be patient. To ask questions and listen again. Listen with no assumptions. Listen with your heart. Listen without conditions.

 

3.Emotions are your friends. 

Feelings are your friends. Men are generally a bit more uncomfortable with expressing their emotions. But owning your feelings is owning yourself. There is nothing more confident than that.

 

4.Never cross the line. 

Having a clear line of respect in the relationship, is huge. No matter what legitimate disagreements we may have in the future, they will be discussed within the limits of respect. At this point it’s not because we have to, but because it hurts to hurt the other. So, there is NEVER any cursing at each other, no throwing out horrible insults that we can never take back. What most people don’t realize is that unlike physical wounds, words never fully heal. They get stored subconsciously in our “jar of resentment” that can explode when we least expect it. Each new insult opens the gates to a whole new level of madness and mean-ness for the next time around. Boundaries can prevent a lot of hurt over the years.

 

5.Soulmates don’t need to be twins. 

Many people think that finding the “one” is like finding your twin. And even though it is fun when your partner shares some of our hobbies or passions, it is equally (if not A LOT more fun!) when you have different passions. Expansion is the name of the game. Marriage expands you. It expands your tolerance, your patience, your taste, your preferences, your ideas, your assumptions, your beliefs. It makes you interested, curious. It makes you grow.

Never thought that I would actually enjoy watching live heavy-metal concerts! Nor did Cliff could ever imagine that he would not only like dancing, but LOVE it! 😉

 

6.Life is now (not tomorrow or years from now). 

The stresses and responsibilities of life can so easily take over our minds, hearts and life. It’s critical not let the “what ifs” (future) make you blind to the “what is” (present). No matter how much or how little you have, creating time for love, fun, joy is a cornerstone of a happy marriage. It doesn’t take much. Also. It’s not about “how much” time either (it can be 5-minutes!). It’s just creating time, ANY time for yourself. That’s it!

 

7. In sickness and in health. 

I don’t believe that going through the experience of illness or death are necessary for a relationship to grow, but it is very true that if it does happen in your life, the harder the difficulty, the stronger becomes the opportunity to grow your friendship, your love, your marriage.

If it happens, know that you have the opportunity to come out of it better than ever.

 

8.Compromises becoming opportunities. 

Compromises are many times described as big sacrifices in many relationships. The truth is, (and facts will back me up here), a compromise “feels like one” only when we do something against our true will. But when you have a practiced sense of love and kindness with your partner, his/her happiness matters too much. You care too much about his/her own fulfillment in life, about his/her peace of mind, interests, dreams, that you want to help making them happen. And viceversa. And somehow, you begin seeing “opportunities” for yourself where before there were only sacrifices. Suddenly big changes, big adjustments become easy decisions. A few examples I can share from our own small experience are the time that my husband closed his business for a year, so that he could move with me to Bolivia, because I needed and wanted to be with my parents after my brother’s death. Or the time I told him that I really wanted to move to Philadelphia, and we did. Or the time he wanted to start a new business, which meant we had to move from our beautiful dream home to a much smaller one, or! (as it happened recently), when my hubby asked to move to a small city we had never heard about before, with no friends, no connections, to explore our passions in a new way. You get the gist.

 

9.Life is as good as you believe it is. 

Intentionally appreciating your marriage with all its perfect imperfections is really up to us. The more I do, the more I find things to appreciate. The more I find things, the better it gets.

 

10.Change is awesome. 

People normally fear change that is unexpected or out of our control. As unexpected as change might be, it always comes with the seeds of renewal, new beginnings, growth and better days ahead. Change is a GOOD thing. Getting comfortable is where I find more danger. Comfort (I humbly believe), tends to be over-appreciated. Permanency builds attachment to things, situations, circumstances. In other words, it creates attachments to all those things we cannot control, making our sense of happiness quite vulnerable. Permanency tends to atrophy our passions, our interest, our growth, our Soul. Permanency creates limitations to our sense of identity, and grows our fears and resentment towards those things outside of it. We normally take it up a notch. We not only embrace change. We seek it. We create it. Every 2 or 3 years something BIG changes in our lives. I have no proof, but we know feel this is our secret sauce of awesomeness in our marriage 😉

 

11.Becoming who you want to be with. 

This is one of the most profound lessons I’ve learned through our marriage. The only way to change something unwanted in the marriage, is by BECOMING the very thing I want to see changed. But here is they key: Without EXPECTATIONS! In other words, becoming UNCONDITIONALLY. Want your spouse to be a better listener? Listen more, unconditionally. This is what happens. You begin enjoying your very own self in the marriage, you begin enjoying your own company, yourself in such a way, that his/her behavior aren’t as critical anymore to feel good and happy in it. But then, guess what? He/she begins to reflect that change as well. It’s pretty awesome.

In our marriage I have to say, this is something that Cliff had mastered before we met. He’s just that way. He never asked me to be or do something different. He just WAS that. And years later I found myself being more like that as well.

 

12.You own your own life-story together. 

This is a big one (in our opinion). How to say this. Marriage has such a predictable storyline: You meet, you fall in love, you get married, you get awesome secure jobs, you buy the house, you make kids, you work hard, you vacation every once in a while, buy nice things, buy more nice things, you retire, you die.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with this story line. In fact, maybe it is true that for most people this is just the awesomest story line they could live! All I’m saying is that it is only one story line of any that you can create. You are not subject to it. You don’t HAVE TO live that story line only. You won’t be a failure if you don’t. That’s all.

It’s possible that very few couples ask themselves what they REALLY want in life. What they would REALLY LOVE to experience together. So, most don’t know, and just follow the story line that everyone seems to follow.

Maybe it is the perfect one for you. Maybe not. I think it helps knowing that you have a choice though. You might be missing out on something even MORE amazing.

If you know us personally, you know we have (comparatively speaking) a very unconventional life. For starters, our whole definition of “home” has changed. Rather than having our ONE dream home, we see it now as a temporary transitional thing. We’ve bought and sold our homes more times than I dare to admit. Our home always perfectly represents who we are at the moment. Our core values obviously don’t change, but everything else does! It continues to expand.

The same is true about our businesses, our schedule, our priorities. It’s quite fun

 

13.Your happiness is never his/her job. 

Another biggie one! But! One that I haven’t quite mastered yet. But I’m getting there. It’s not his/her job to make you happy. It really isn’t.

 

14.It’s always just the beginning! about the expansion. 

So. We’ve been married for 15 years. It sounds like a LOT, or very little (depending of your perspective). I have to admit that I didn’t expect to feel the way we feel. New, fresh, fun, exciting. It feels like it is only the beginning. And I genuinely believe that this is how it’s going to feel when we celebrate our 30th anniversary. 

 

15.There is no end to love and romance. 

Yup. This is another huge surprise for me. I thought I already loved Cliff as much as I could. But guess what. It keeps growing! I keep falling in love with him in new unexpected ways. There is no limit to this thing. Can’t wait what lies ahead!

 

I love you Cliff. Forever and ever.

Yours always,